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How to have s*x and be a parent.. all at the same time*

The hand that rocks the cradle.. is the hand that
also does a lot of other rather nice things!

I’ve not been blogging much lately.  At all.  I occasionally read other people’s blogs, even more occasionally I think about blogging and about how, in theory, it might be nice if I had the energy and time to do it.

However, I do have s*x.  With my husband.  Like, almost every day.  OK, at least 3-4 times per week.  This post from Pia (of whose blog I am quite fond: when I occasionally read other people’s blogs, I never fail to read hers) gave me an urge to write a potentially smug, but mainly «annoyingly exasperated on other people’s behalf post about being a family and having s*x» post.  Most posts on this topic, and I won’t name and shame any, imply that the combination of the two is nigh on impossible.

And maybe for some people, it is.

I really think it’s a case of use it or lose it.  If I don’t play WoW for a month, I forget why I used to like it, and I start thinking why I wasted my time on it at all.  I play for three days in a row, and I’m sucked back in.  WoW works on the same reward circuits as s*x.  That is why it’s such a s*x life killer. In other words, if you never do it, you stop seeing the point in doing it.  I don’t see how that can be better than occasionally going ahead with it even if you really feel like having an extra 20 min of sleep that evening. I’ve *never* rolled over to sleep after s*x and regretted having it.

But I don’t see myself as out of the ordinary, and I don’t think I somehow have an extremely easy life which makes this happen.  But *we* make s*x happen.

My birth was grim, it took me six weeks before I could sit down without pulling a face, and I put a lot of currency in the b**wjob bank in those first few months.  Still, that meant I didn’t forget what my husband looks like naked.  When we started having «proper» s*x after about two months, it was painful and strange at first and we had a lot of aborted attempts.  But each time, it got a little better.  After a while, it was as good as ever.

I fully breastfed till six months, and I still feed.  This means you’re dry in all the wrong places for a loooong time.  However, it’s better now, and we could stop using lubricants after about 15 months.

We both work full-time, we have a nursery place which includes having to drive our one child every day to drop her off, which again means I’m deprived of the opportunity to exercise on my way to work, so I’m still a bit fat after birth nearly two years on (or at least that’s my latest excuse).  I have to work in the evenings about half of the time, which although I can do it from home, eats up a lot of potential quality time with my man.

We’ve had a gazillion colds, bouts of tonsilitis (GM doesn’t even have tonsils so any viruses go straight to his lungs, hurrah), stomach plagues etc., especially since dear daughter started nursery.  Daughter still doesn’t sleep very well so we are constantly extremely sleep deprived.

My parents live nearby, but we don’t have them babysit very often.  We don’t actually have anyone babysit very often, so we don’t really have a life together out of the house.  If one of us wants to exercise or similar, the other has to stay in.  I can’t remember the last time we were on a date.

Yet, we have the time and energy to sh*g.  Like, almost every day.

Rather than thinking how we manage, I catch myself thinking, I don’t know how people manage without.  In our household at least, there are so many opportunities for conflict and emotional abrations daily (who does the dishes, who gets to sleep in when, who has to stay home from work when, etc. etc.) that I’m sure we’d kill each other regularly if we weren’t at it to smooth over with some endorphins and oxytocin.

So I’ll be very smug and list how I think we do it (not the positions and such, I meant more practically speaking).  This will give people the opportunity to make up great excuses to each point, as to why they are different and can’t have s*x, I’m sure.

  1. We don’t have a TV service.  I think TV is the number one s*x killer, apart from World of Warcraft which is even worse.  Nothing, nothing makes me feel less sexy than spending the evening in front of the screen, totally immobile, potentially watching thinner, happier, richer people. Apart from playing World of Warcraft.  Not having a TV means that putting on a show takes effort (like turning on a laptop, connecting to a VPN service.. too much hassle!), and that you don’t reallly have anything worthwhile to do while sitting on the sofa in the evening, except getting naked.
  2. We don’t mind it taking 3 minutes, at any time. We don’t expect it to be great, or glamorous, or with f*replay.  The three minutes might sometimes include an equal number of interruptions due to daughter’s demands for cuddles / dummy / new sheets due to puking, etc.  Sometimes, we settle for using our mouths instead of the full works if we think we’ll get interrupted. Still, it does the trick.
  3. We don’t mind doing it 30 cm away from our sleeping daughter, who still sleeps in our bedroom and occasionally our bed. Some people probably think this is morally wrong.  However, I think it’s just a question of moving as little as possible, being very quiet, keeping the duvet on and lying really still if she wakes, saying «it’s nighttime.. everyone has to sleep..» and she will close her eyes dutifully (she mainly wakes to check there is someone there, and doesn’t mind what that someone is doing).  Spooning looks the least conspicuous, I think.
  4. We don’t mind not being ready. I don’t have to be h*rny, freshly showered (I shower only every second day, and since daughter showers alongside me and hogs the shower, even that doesn’t really mean I always get a proper wash.. I know, it’s gross), shaven, flat-bellied or not ill, not grumpy, not having a headache, and not having anything more pressing or important to do.  If I wanted to be «ready» each time, it would really never ever happen.  Ever. 
  5. I am not on the combined pill. Controversially, I think being on the pill is death for your s*x life.  I’ve been on it for years, and I really noticed a difference since coming off it maybe six years ago.  When you’re not on the pill, most women will ovulate once per month, at which time they’ll be gagging for it if they listen to their body.  That’s how babies are made.  Twice per month is better than never. 
  6. We try to do things together. Even if it means less stuff gets done.  If I sent him out to get new shoes for Bolle on his own, I could stay at home cleaning.  But I’d rather go with them, which means our house is permanently filthy and we never get anything done.  Our kitchen is from 1984, we can’t stand up in our shower, and we still don’t have any door handles or sources of heating installed on the second floor.
  7. We only have one baby.  I dread the effect of the next one on this lovely, dull, routine s*x life we have.  When she was really little, we did it in the daytime when she had her 10 minute naps.  After colic was over, we could do it in the evening.  I imagine that with a baby who’s awake all night, and a toddler who’s awake all day and gets to stay up later, things might not be so simple.

I didn’t mention that I have the hottest husband ever.  He doesn’t care that my body has changed, and makes me feel like the most beautiful woman on earth still.  And he empties the diswasher.  A lot.  He is truly special to me.  That’s why I married him.  But, didn’t most people chose their partner partly because they somehow, at some point, found them attractive and supportive? 

I ask myself when I read people’s blogs discrediting reports of couples with babies having s*x regularly, if you have the time and energy to write, don’t you have the time and energy to do the deed for about five minutes?  Maybe it’s not important to you.  But to me, s*x is the ultimate life hack.  It makes you fitter, happier, more productive…

There.  I’ve said it.  You might strongly disagree.  And I’m not saying regular s*x is right, or necessary, for anyone to live a satisfying life.  But I’m pretty sure a lot of people would be happier if their houses were a little dirtier, and their fifteen minutes per day spent doing other stuff instead.

*Disclaimer.  This plan only works if you’re on your first, healthy baby.  I make no claims for it to be in any way viable if you have six kids.